Charmed by eyeliner

absent minded smile.....

2010-03-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

it was enticing yet soothing. as i stared at him across the desk i couldn't hear a word of what he was telling me, but i could feel the smile spreading across my face.the smile that you can't help, the smile that seems to go on forever, the smile you have to bite your lips to ward away.

i remember when i saw him for the first time.a couple of weeks ago breaking out in to song, in the middle of the busy theatre just before his first surgery that day. lightness of his nature and the humour of his sudden vocals brought a smile on my face. i was a bit excited because i knew id be working with him in a couple of weeks.

however it took until the second day and mid way into that for me to realise i did in fact fact like-like him. the chit chat, him singing 'i hate my self for loving you' between patients and me being accused of not caring enough because i didn't want surgery as a career sealed the deal for me. i will see him tomorrow and then next week, we'll probably youtube a couple of more songs and talk about the thai restaurant that we both love in kensington.he will ask me a couple of more questions about some disease i have never heard of, i will stare obliviously and he will shake his head in disappointment and teach me all he knows. then we will walk our separate ways.he will forget my name and my face and i will still smile when i look back at the cold wednesday of

march.

for this cold wedensday reminded me why been attracted to someone is probably important. it reminded me that a skip of a heart beat actually feels fulfilling and enticing at the same time. it slowly showed me what type of man i am capable of liking once again because over the last 4 years memory has failed me in that aspect.

most of all it proved to me i have not become stone cold, i have not lost the ability to be happy in the laughter and smile of someone else.

a good half a day later i still smile, because i found out i am still capable of an absent minded smile, simple in gesture but epitome of the complexity that is happiness.

ditch the cosmos and go straight to tequila shots....

2010-02-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

cosmos, margaritas and music galore...
apparently its time to share and bond.their attention shifts to her. 'so do you have some one special waiting for you once you move back home?'
she smiles and shakes her head, a slow 'no' escapes from between her lips as she takes another sip of her cosmo, so the questions will stop.
their questions do stop. but the ones from deep down within go from a simmer to a boil. she is certain that she is her own woman and she does not need a man to make her feel worthy.but she still craves companionship, the absent minded smiles and simply love.
only if she could go back, 25 minus about 3 years where the answer 'no' to these questions were more acceptable. acceptable to both her and the person who asked.
theres no other solution but to ditch the cosmos and go straight to tequila shots. so maby next time shes asked about the special someone shed be tight enough to have a laugh with a slight touch of sarcasm....

for i cryed when you kissed me.....

2010-02-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

almost a year since i blogged last.life had its highs and had its lows.it was an interesting year.i learned a lot about my self, and like to believe i have become a better person. but more about my 2009 later.

i was going through delilah says, and came across a post where she described how she almost cried when she kissed someone for the first time once. not because it was the first time but because of how gentle he was.

i went back about 6 years. and remembered the tears that streamed down my cheeks for the same reason. as cheesy as it sounds it was one of the most magnificent moments of my life. the beauty of something subtle remains with you even when you bury away those memories for good.

thank you delilah for reminding me that i should cherish my past not dismiss it as just another thing.

Happiness.

2009-03-18T17:53:00.001-07:00

What do you do when your nearly in the smack middle of your twenties, your life is not what you imagined it would be, you feel like a failure on a daily basis, you know you'll never have enough money to maintain the life you have had,you realize living off of your folks is just not ethical anymore,you know you will never have that relationship that puts a smile on your face, You know you are probably letting your parents down and basically realize you'll never be happy?

It's even worse when you've been trying to pawn this off as quarter life crisis when it's clearly not anymore.

Where was that bend you took that turned your world in to this? Or was it the bend you didn't take?

Why live a life like this? Why don't we have a choice to when the end should be?

I know I'm only still alive because of two reasons....which I don't want to put in to words...

Is putting up a happy face all day and then closing your door and crying your self to sleep every night what my life is going to be like?

I don't think I can do it for much longer, but I don't want to go back to the dark place I've already been in...

Can I undo what I've done and make me worthy of happiness?

2008-06-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY FEAST!!

So I found this real cool site where they post random questions and you answer them each Friday.Check it out:

http://fridaysfeast.com/

Feast One Hundred & Ninety Four

June 20th, 2008 •

Appetizer

If you could live on another continent for 1 year, which one would you choose?

Europe

Soup

Which browser do you use to surf the Internet?

Mozilla

Salad

On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how much do you know about the history of your country?

Main Course

Finish this sentence: Love is…

Love is the essence of life.

Dessert

Have you ever been in or near a tornado?

No, Tsunami yes!

2008-06-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yeay! Iv been blogged for the first time!! Thanks Dili!! ( yes I'm lame,I get excited about these things!)
Here are the rules:
~ Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog
~ Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
~ Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
~ Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog .

01.I loooove plucking my eyebrows,I mean I like doing it my self .I do it when I'm stressed,I do it when I'm bored, I do it when I'm happy, I do it while I watch telly, I do it even after it drives everyone around me crazy!!Get the pic?

02.I have five friends who Iv known the longest in my life,I'm a different person with each one of them.I share different parts of my life with them,each one knows something the other doesn't know about me.Sometimes I wonder if I have multiple personalities!

03.I'm envious of women who get to stay home all day and just take care of the family and home, to be frank I dream of being a house wife, even though I know I never will.

04.I like Cheddar cheese and strawberry jam on my toast or in my sandwich.I discovered this when I was 7!

05.I'v broken someones heart by completely becoming MIA, something I promised me self I'd never do, but had to.

06.I wish I was much thinner and lighter ( u don't even want to know what weight I'm at right now!) and maybe 2 inches shorter.

07.Even though everyone loved the sex and the city movie I was disappointed! I expected much more...I feel like they did a half ass job with the story line!

Everyones been tagged already so I only have two people, Themissingsandwich and angel! (sorry don't know how to add a link!!)

An end......

2008-05-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't know how it would feel...I never even thought about it as it seemed so far away.Today I attended my last formal lecture in medical school.....basic sciences are done with....I feel sad and happy simultaneously.Sad that I'm growing up and I will have to act it...happy that my life is moving forward....I wonder how Id feel after my last exam.....

-I-love-you-

2008-04-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I have never told you I love you.I always answer 'yes' when you ask me if I love you.I never say the words 'I love you'!Why is it so hard for me to say those words to you?You are the person I love the most in this world.You are the person I am most loved and cherished by in this world.You catch me when I fall,you help me pick up the pieces when my whole world crumbles .You'r strength gives me the strength to face the darkness.
I wonder if you know how much I love you?Do you see it in my eyes every time I cry when I leave you?Do you hear it in my voice every time I tell you I want to let this all go and come home?Do you know how much I cherish the Saturdays we spend together,how I wish for a life of Saturdays?
I cannot comprehend what my life would be after you leave one day.As selfish as it is I hope I leave before you, because to loose you will mean my world will no longer exist.I would not hear if I donot hear your voice each day,I would not see if I didn't see your smile everyday.
I wish you would read this,I wish you would know......

I LOVE YOU ammi !

Thathi

2008-04-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

My dad died when I was just about to turn 7.We just arrived in SL for a summer and he had a severe MI and left us forever. I don't remember much of how I felt other than utter sadness and the wish that he would somehow come to life before he was buried. I'm always open about his death and have no problem talking about it with people....I always say 'I'm ok, its been a long time'.But as I write this post tears stream down my face uncontrollably.
As of late I have started questioning my memories about him.Whether I remember his face, how he talked, his love..I have questioned whether I still love him too.You have to understand I will always love him, as he is my father but it has been so long that the special things that makes a daughters love stronger has escaped my mind.
But this morning I was woken up by an answer to all these doubts and questions in my mind.
I had a dream just before I woke up.Thathi was alive..there was no such interaction between us but the fact that he was alive was established through out the dream.Then I was driving to the airport ( random I know) and I was struggling to find the correct road and to basically navigate the car.Then I get a call from Ammi saying that Thathi died. I stopped cold, I didn't know what to do.I woke up straight after with an empty feeling that I haven't felt in a LONG time and always try to avoid at all cost! I didn't know what to do.The emptiness engulfed me and I sat in the misery of my room staring at my computer for a while.I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or I wanted to throw things around.I knew I couldn't stay in my room anymore.So I got dressed and came to the library in hope that if i bury my self in my never ending work,so that I will forget this emptiness.
My questions however were answered.I never thought I could feel this empty 16 years after.Now I know that the bond we had so strong is not broken.Even though I don't remember his voice,his hugs or his presence I still know he is close and dear to me deep down in my heart.
In hope of another life spent cherished in his love.......

2008-04-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a lecture I missed and came across a half time break question the professor asked:

If you could live your life inside a TV show which one would it be?

Mine probably would be Entourage or Charmed!!!

What would yours be?

Empty :(

2008-04-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

I feel depressed today.I spent all day in the library studying so Id have a blast come dinner. Went out to this oriental place for drinks and dinner.Then went out for more drinks and a smoke.Just came home and Im feeling very empty.Maybe too much hype was put in to this evening by me and W ( my favorite friend at school who makes everything more interesting by his simple existence).We planned this dinner for over a week,IMing each other every five minutes.....
I hate this empty feeling....hence the very much empty post....

My stress-relief - painting!

2008-04-09T22:33:00.001-07:00

When ever I used to be stressed I would clear my bed, set everything aside, play some soft classical music and start painting.I'm not very good at it but it soothes my nerves and puts me in ultimate bliss...I should start doing it again.....

Geezz!!

2008-04-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

I read over my last post and realized i couldn't spell to save my life!!!

charmed and eyeliner!!!

2008-04-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep...probably due to the fact that I missed class and slept for 5 hours after my hospital run this afternoon.Plus the fact that I almost never slept before 4am the last week, all compliments to those wonderful things called exams that break us down in to a gazillion pieces!
Anyway I don't think many people read my blog but for the those of you who do(angel to name one) I thought Id tell u how I came up with the name.
Its as simple as this:
I just combined two of my favorite things in the world...charmed ( yes the corny TV show with Prue, Piper and Pheobe) and eye liner.
These are two things as silly as they seem keep me entertained, if I must pick a word to describe them.
The first time I saw charmed was in 1999 when I was on vacation in NZ.I was in to any thing fairy tale,medieval or which craft like.The moment I saw the highlights for this on NZ TV I was sold! The first episode I watched was the one where the three sisters have to fight off the queen of the underworld form procreating with a human at a well known wedding in SF.Charmed for me was like love at first sight...I have been hooked ever since.Don't get me wrong I am very open minded and will not deny the fact it wen down hill after Prue was killed ( my favorite) Nevertheless I did not stop watching it and I now am the proud owner of seasons 1-8 on DVD!!!
Yes I do entertain my inner child quite a bit!
Okay so the second part of my blog name is eyeliner.I probably discovered eyeliner about two years before charmed.Actually my mother introduced me to it.Another love at first site instance.It took sometime to get to know how to handle it and to know how to do my eyes in 3 seconds flat even if I was still in a drunken stupor ( yes I have mastered this skill quite well).I have fallen in love with all brands, colours, textures, makes of eyeliner.My favorite been black liquid, teal green pencil, Dark purple and lavender glide on.I need eye liner to wake me up.Its like my caffeine fix in the morning, until I put it on I am still very much in far faraway land.I also almost feel naked with out it, this might also be because a few years ago me and my then roommate decided we look like we have Down's syndrome with out it.I am addicted to eyeliner to the point that I have about 3 back ups when I know one is running out, I literally buy all sorts of eyeliner in bulk!
So there you go I combined two of my favorite things in the world that I can't live with out to come up with a name.
I do believe this post:
...is useless
... shows how some of my thoughts are very blond and superficial...but hey aren't we all like that about some thing or another
...allows people who really know me to figure out this is my blog ( I go on about these things for real mostly to piss people off and truly because I like them.)
So anyone who shares the same passion for charmed or eyeliner please speak up and let me know that I'm not alone...heres to wishful thinking!!!

I wish I had cancer or die in my sleep.

2008-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

Isn't it weired what we wish for sometimes? Isnt it weired how when we come closer to our dreams coming true things just get harder and you want an easy way out? Well this is the story of my life right now.
Just a few minutes ago, enjoying a warm shower all that I was thinking was I wish I had cancer.You ask why? Because then I could drop everything and start life over, I could let go of finding my dream and could live for today enjoy life, the smell of rain the feeling of the breeze on my face etc.I know I sound crazy and if my Mother knew of any of this she would smack me and say ' you have everything in life'. Yes, I may have everything in life in everyone else's eye, but in my eye I have so little.There are many a day when I have gone to bed wishing I would die in my sleep.And many a time I have woken up in utter disappointment.Some days this wish was because I was unhappy but right now at this point in my life when my career path is about to come together I make this wish only because life is getting more difficult by the minute and I cannot turn around.
I spent the last couple of years almost feeling like Im in limbo.I knew where I was headed but didnt know whether it was going to happen or whether I would make it. Now I feel like Im about to cross limbo but it seems all too hard.
I have always hated making decision. In the past some of the major things in my life like going to medical school where Im at happened with no decision, meaning I just let things be and gave it a 'kana shot' and got on a plane and took a day at a time. But now Im at a point in life where my decisions matter much more.Do I stay in NY do I go to NJ?,will I get a car will I not?Will I take my USMLE earlier or later? Yes it may seem trivial to you but the rest of my life may depend on these decisions....so here I am wishing I would get cancer and I could stay home and sip orange juice and laugh away at entourage.
The USMLE it self is like impending doom. I never do well on exams like this.Contrary to popular belief I have a memory problem.No matter how well I understand the material I never remember anything.Yes Im going to be a doctor, that is scary I know.How am I going to remember 2 years worth of material in mere 8 weeks and face 10 hour exam? Now you know whr death or cancer would be better don't you?
I know I might sound very immature, but aren't we all immature in one way or another? Im not good at facing problems.Iv had a fairly bump free life and I enjoy that.Actually that isnt true...if you really knew me you would know Iv faced things far worse than a 23 year old faces.Which has made me some what of a strong person.So why am I this way you ask, wishing for death or a deadly disease.I think back to the Alchemist where the shop owner tells santiago about his dream of mecca and how he will not see it through. The reason been then he will not have anything to look forward to for the rest of his life, nothing to live for. But to be honest this is not my reason. Maybe it is some what, maybe Im scared of failure maybe Im scared I won't get what I want out of my dream, maybe I worry I would just end up unhappy.Last but not least I right now I just want the easy life, I feel like I voluntarily made my life harder for m self....But hey this is what I wanted from life...not what you wanted so I guess Ill just have to see it through.If anyone knows what Im feeling please leave a note!!!!

2008-02-02T20:08:00.000-08:00

My eyes are sore and the last time I looked at the mirror they were slowly becoming blood shot.Its the end of a very mundane Saturday filled with nothing but the attempt to study...I should be sleeping right now in hope that Id be rested for actual studying tomorrow....This is boring......
When did my life become so boring?When did it all become about just trying to memorize random names and what not?I know for a fact that I used to be interesting , life used to be interesting...what happened when did it all change?
I wish I was 6 again......The days of Barbie dolls, water fights and skipping ropes.....I don't think Iv been happier than I was at 6 in my life....let me correct there was another instance when I was truly happy, when I was 19 and fell in love, but thats another story.
When I was 6 the world was MY oyster. In my little mind I could be anything I wanted.And being the overly ambitious idiot I am I reached for the stars......At one point I wanted to be a world famous gymnast then a sprinter in the Olympics then a pop star last but not least around the age of 8 I wanted to be lord budda and preach and attain nirvana.As you can see I never dreamt small, I wanted life to be of highest interest....I didn't simply want the life of a teacher, nurse or a housewife( yes surprisingly some girls want to end up as housewives!!).
But today I don't dream like I did at 6. Don't get me wrong I am still ambitious and I am doing something I always wanted to do....but I can not comprehend how boring life has become in m path to happiness.
Ok I dnt know where this rambling is going.....I'm tiered now so going to stop.....all in all I am bored with life and wish I was 6 again!!!

Two minutes before class

2008-02-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

Well lets see, how do i begin......Im not sure why Im here but thats something to be elaborated on later.
I have two minutes before i have to run to class for 4 boring hours of how not to kill someone and how the body tries to kill it self!!!
So basically I just wanted to say hi to the world ( In hope someone will read this!!)