-I-love-you-

I have never told you I love you.I always answer 'yes' when you ask me if I love you.I never say the words 'I love you'!Why is it so hard for me to say those words to you?You are the person I love the most in this world.You are the person I am most loved and cherished by in this world.You catch me when I fall,you help me pick up the pieces when my whole world crumbles .You'r strength gives me the strength to face the darkness.
I wonder if you know how much I love you?Do you see it in my eyes every time I cry when I leave you?Do you hear it in my voice every time I tell you I want to let this all go and come home?Do you know how much I cherish the Saturdays we spend together,how I wish for a life of Saturdays?
I cannot comprehend what my life would be after you leave one day.As selfish as it is I hope I leave before you, because to loose you will mean my world will no longer exist.I would not hear if I donot hear your voice each day,I would not see if I didn't see your smile everyday.
I wish you would read this,I wish you would know......



I LOVE YOU ammi !

Thathi

My dad died when I was just about to turn 7.We just arrived in SL for a summer and he had a severe MI and left us forever. I don't remember much of how I felt other than utter sadness and the wish that he would somehow come to life before he was buried. I'm always open about his death and have no problem talking about it with people....I always say 'I'm ok, its been a long time'.But as I write this post tears stream down my face uncontrollably.
As of late I have started questioning my memories about him.Whether I remember his face, how he talked, his love..I have questioned whether I still love him too.You have to understand I will always love him, as he is my father but it has been so long that the special things that makes a daughters love stronger has escaped my mind.
But this morning I was woken up by an answer to all these doubts and questions in my mind.
I had a dream just before I woke up.Thathi was alive..there was no such interaction between us but the fact that he was alive was established through out the dream.Then I was driving to the airport ( random I know) and I was struggling to find the correct road and to basically navigate the car.Then I get a call from Ammi saying that Thathi died. I stopped cold, I didn't know what to do.I woke up straight after with an empty feeling that I haven't felt in a LONG time and always try to avoid at all cost! I didn't know what to do.The emptiness engulfed me and I sat in the misery of my room staring at my computer for a while.I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or I wanted to throw things around.I knew I couldn't stay in my room anymore.So I got dressed and came to the library in hope that if i bury my self in my never ending work,so that I will forget this emptiness.
My questions however were answered.I never thought I could feel this empty 16 years after.Now I know that the bond we had so strong is not broken.Even though I don't remember his voice,his hugs or his presence I still know he is close and dear to me deep down in my heart.
In hope of another life spent cherished in his love.......

I was listening to a lecture I missed and came across a half time break question the professor asked:

If you could live your life inside a TV show which one would it be?

Mine probably would be Entourage or Charmed!!!

What would yours be?

Empty :(

I feel depressed today.I spent all day in the library studying so Id have a blast come dinner. Went out to this oriental place for drinks and dinner.Then went out for more drinks and a smoke.Just came home and Im feeling very empty.Maybe too much hype was put in to this evening by me and W ( my favorite friend at school who makes everything more interesting by his simple existence).We planned this dinner for over a week,IMing each other every five minutes.....
I hate this empty feeling....hence the very much empty post....

My stress-relief - painting!

When ever I used to be stressed I would clear my bed, set everything aside, play some soft classical music and start painting.I'm not very good at it but it soothes my nerves and puts me in ultimate bliss...I should start doing it again.....

Geezz!!

I read over my last post and realized i couldn't spell to save my life!!!

charmed and eyeliner!!!

I can't sleep...probably due to the fact that I missed class and slept for 5 hours after my hospital run this afternoon.Plus the fact that I almost never slept before 4am the last week, all compliments to those wonderful things called exams that break us down in to a gazillion pieces!
Anyway I don't think many people read my blog but for the those of you who do(angel to name one) I thought Id tell u how I came up with the name.
Its as simple as this:
I just combined two of my favorite things in the world...charmed ( yes the corny TV show with Prue, Piper and Pheobe) and eye liner.
These are two things as silly as they seem keep me entertained, if I must pick a word to describe them.
The first time I saw charmed was in 1999 when I was on vacation in NZ.I was in to any thing fairy tale,medieval or which craft like.The moment I saw the highlights for this on NZ TV I was sold! The first episode I watched was the one where the three sisters have to fight off the queen of the underworld form procreating with a human at a well known wedding in SF.Charmed for me was like love at first sight...I have been hooked ever since.Don't get me wrong I am very open minded and will not deny the fact it wen down hill after Prue was killed ( my favorite) Nevertheless I did not stop watching it and I now am the proud owner of seasons 1-8 on DVD!!!
Yes I do entertain my inner child quite a bit!
Okay so the second part of my blog name is eyeliner.I probably discovered eyeliner about two years before charmed.Actually my mother introduced me to it.Another love at first site instance.It took sometime to get to know how to handle it and to know how to do my eyes in 3 seconds flat even if I was still in a drunken stupor ( yes I have mastered this skill quite well).I have fallen in love with all brands, colours, textures, makes of eyeliner.My favorite been black liquid, teal green pencil, Dark purple and lavender glide on.I need eye liner to wake me up.Its like my caffeine fix in the morning, until I put it on I am still very much in far faraway land.I also almost feel naked with out it, this might also be because a few years ago me and my then roommate decided we look like we have Down's syndrome with out it.I am addicted to eyeliner to the point that I have about 3 back ups when I know one is running out, I literally buy all sorts of eyeliner in bulk!
So there you go I combined two of my favorite things in the world that I can't live with out to come up with a name.
I do believe this post:
...is useless
... shows how some of my thoughts are very blond and superficial...but hey aren't we all like that about some thing or another
...allows people who really know me to figure out this is my blog ( I go on about these things for real mostly to piss people off and truly because I like them.)
So anyone who shares the same passion for charmed or eyeliner please speak up and let me know that I'm not alone...heres to wishful thinking!!!