I wish I had cancer or die in my sleep.

Isn't it weired what we wish for sometimes? Isnt it weired how when we come closer to our dreams coming true things just get harder and you want an easy way out? Well this is the story of my life right now.
Just a few minutes ago, enjoying a warm shower all that I was thinking was I wish I had cancer.You ask why? Because then I could drop everything and start life over, I could let go of finding my dream and could live for today enjoy life, the smell of rain the feeling of the breeze on my face etc.I know I sound crazy and if my Mother knew of any of this she would smack me and say ' you have everything in life'. Yes, I may have everything in life in everyone else's eye, but in my eye I have so little.There are many a day when I have gone to bed wishing I would die in my sleep.And many a time I have woken up in utter disappointment.Some days this wish was because I was unhappy but right now at this point in my life when my career path is about to come together I make this wish only because life is getting more difficult by the minute and I cannot turn around.
I spent the last couple of years almost feeling like Im in limbo.I knew where I was headed but didnt know whether it was going to happen or whether I would make it. Now I feel like Im about to cross limbo but it seems all too hard.
I have always hated making decision. In the past some of the major things in my life like going to medical school where Im at happened with no decision, meaning I just let things be and gave it a 'kana shot' and got on a plane and took a day at a time. But now Im at a point in life where my decisions matter much more.Do I stay in NY do I go to NJ?,will I get a car will I not?Will I take my USMLE earlier or later? Yes it may seem trivial to you but the rest of my life may depend on these decisions....so here I am wishing I would get cancer and I could stay home and sip orange juice and laugh away at entourage.
The USMLE it self is like impending doom. I never do well on exams like this.Contrary to popular belief I have a memory problem.No matter how well I understand the material I never remember anything.Yes Im going to be a doctor, that is scary I know.How am I going to remember 2 years worth of material in mere 8 weeks and face 10 hour exam? Now you know whr death or cancer would be better don't you?
I know I might sound very immature, but aren't we all immature in one way or another? Im not good at facing problems.Iv had a fairly bump free life and I enjoy that.Actually that isnt true...if you really knew me you would know Iv faced things far worse than a 23 year old faces.Which has made me some what of a strong person.So why am I this way you ask, wishing for death or a deadly disease.I think back to the Alchemist where the shop owner tells santiago about his dream of mecca and how he will not see it through. The reason been then he will not have anything to look forward to for the rest of his life, nothing to live for. But to be honest this is not my reason. Maybe it is some what, maybe Im scared of failure maybe Im scared I won't get what I want out of my dream, maybe I worry I would just end up unhappy.Last but not least I right now I just want the easy life, I feel like I voluntarily made my life harder for m self....But hey this is what I wanted from life...not what you wanted so I guess Ill just have to see it through.If anyone knows what Im feeling please leave a note!!!!

My eyes are sore and the last time I looked at the mirror they were slowly becoming blood shot.Its the end of a very mundane Saturday filled with nothing but the attempt to study...I should be sleeping right now in hope that Id be rested for actual studying tomorrow....This is boring......
When did my life become so boring?When did it all become about just trying to memorize random names and what not?I know for a fact that I used to be interesting , life used to be interesting...what happened when did it all change?
I wish I was 6 again......The days of Barbie dolls, water fights and skipping ropes.....I don't think Iv been happier than I was at 6 in my life....let me correct there was another instance when I was truly happy, when I was 19 and fell in love, but thats another story.
When I was 6 the world was MY oyster. In my little mind I could be anything I wanted.And being the overly ambitious idiot I am I reached for the stars......At one point I wanted to be a world famous gymnast then a sprinter in the Olympics then a pop star last but not least around the age of 8 I wanted to be lord budda and preach and attain nirvana.As you can see I never dreamt small, I wanted life to be of highest interest....I didn't simply want the life of a teacher, nurse or a housewife( yes surprisingly some girls want to end up as housewives!!).
But today I don't dream like I did at 6. Don't get me wrong I am still ambitious and I am doing something I always wanted to do....but I can not comprehend how boring life has become in m path to happiness.
Ok I dnt know where this rambling is going.....I'm tiered now so going to stop.....all in all I am bored with life and wish I was 6 again!!!

Two minutes before class

Well lets see, how do i begin......Im not sure why Im here but thats something to be elaborated on later.
I have two minutes before i have to run to class for 4 boring hours of how not to kill someone and how the body tries to kill it self!!!
So basically I just wanted to say hi to the world ( In hope someone will read this!!)