absent minded smile.....

it was enticing yet soothing. as i stared at him across the desk i couldn't hear a word of what he was telling me, but i could feel the smile spreading across my face.the smile that you can't help, the smile that seems to go on forever, the smile you have to bite your lips to ward away.

i remember when i saw him for the first time.a couple of weeks ago breaking out in to song, in the middle of the busy theatre just before his first surgery that day. lightness of his nature and the humour of his sudden vocals brought a smile on my face. i was a bit excited because i knew id be working with him in a couple of weeks.

however it took until the second day and mid way into that for me to realise i did in fact fact like-like him. the chit chat, him singing 'i hate my self for loving you' between patients and me being accused of not caring enough because i didn't want surgery as a career sealed the deal for me. i will see him tomorrow and then next week, we'll probably youtube a couple of more songs and talk about the thai restaurant that we both love in kensington.he will ask me a couple of more questions about some disease i have never heard of, i will stare obliviously and he will shake his head in disappointment and teach me all he knows. then we will walk our separate ways.he will forget my name and my face and i will still smile when i look back at the cold wednesday of

march.

for this cold wedensday reminded me why been attracted to someone is probably important. it reminded me that a skip of a heart beat actually feels fulfilling and enticing at the same time. it slowly showed me what type of man i am capable of liking once again because over the last 4 years memory has failed me in that aspect.

most of all it proved to me i have not become stone cold, i have not lost the ability to be happy in the laughter and smile of someone else.

a good half a day later i still smile, because i found out i am still capable of an absent minded smile, simple in gesture but epitome of the complexity that is happiness.

ditch the cosmos and go straight to tequila shots....

cosmos, margaritas and music galore...
apparently its time to share and bond.their attention shifts to her. 'so do you have some one special waiting for you once you move back home?'
she smiles and shakes her head, a slow 'no' escapes from between her lips as she takes another sip of her cosmo, so the questions will stop.
their questions do stop. but the ones from deep down within go from a simmer to a boil. she is certain that she is her own woman and she does not need a man to make her feel worthy.but she still craves companionship, the absent minded smiles and simply love.
only if she could go back, 25 minus about 3 years where the answer 'no' to these questions were more acceptable. acceptable to both her and the person who asked.
theres no other solution but to ditch the cosmos and go straight to tequila shots. so maby next time shes asked about the special someone shed be tight enough to have a laugh with a slight touch of sarcasm....

for i cryed when you kissed me.....

almost a year since i blogged last.life had its highs and had its lows.it was an interesting year.i learned a lot about my self, and like to believe i have become a better person. but more about my 2009 later.

i was going through delilah says, and came across a post where she described how she almost cried when she kissed someone for the first time once. not because it was the first time but because of how gentle he was.

i went back about 6 years. and remembered the tears that streamed down my cheeks for the same reason. as cheesy as it sounds it was one of the most magnificent moments of my life. the beauty of something subtle remains with you even when you bury away those memories for good.

thank you delilah for reminding me that i should cherish my past not dismiss it as just another thing.