Isn't it weired what we wish for sometimes? Isnt it weired how when we come closer to our dreams coming true things just get harder and you want an easy way out? Well this is the story of my life right now.
Just a few minutes ago, enjoying a warm shower all that I was thinking was I wish I had cancer.You ask why? Because then I could drop everything and start life over, I could let go of finding my dream and could live for today enjoy life, the smell of rain the feeling of the breeze on my face etc.I know I sound crazy and if my Mother knew of any of this she would smack me and say ' you have everything in life'. Yes, I may have everything in life in everyone else's eye, but in my eye I have so little.There are many a day when I have gone to bed wishing I would die in my sleep.And many a time I have woken up in utter disappointment.Some days this wish was because I was unhappy but right now at this point in my life when my career path is about to come together I make this wish only because life is getting more difficult by the minute and I cannot turn around.
I spent the last couple of years almost feeling like Im in limbo.I knew where I was headed but didnt know whether it was going to happen or whether I would make it. Now I feel like Im about to cross limbo but it seems all too hard.
I have always hated making decision. In the past some of the major things in my life like going to medical school where Im at happened with no decision, meaning I just let things be and gave it a 'kana shot' and got on a plane and took a day at a time. But now Im at a point in life where my decisions matter much more.Do I stay in NY do I go to NJ?,will I get a car will I not?Will I take my USMLE earlier or later? Yes it may seem trivial to you but the rest of my life may depend on these decisions....so here I am wishing I would get cancer and I could stay home and sip orange juice and laugh away at entourage.
The USMLE it self is like impending doom. I never do well on exams like this.Contrary to popular belief I have a memory problem.No matter how well I understand the material I never remember anything.Yes Im going to be a doctor, that is scary I know.How am I going to remember 2 years worth of material in mere 8 weeks and face 10 hour exam? Now you know whr death or cancer would be better don't you?
I know I might sound very immature, but aren't we all immature in one way or another? Im not good at facing problems.Iv had a fairly bump free life and I enjoy that.Actually that isnt true...if you really knew me you would know Iv faced things far worse than a 23 year old faces.Which has made me some what of a strong person.So why am I this way you ask, wishing for death or a deadly disease.I think back to the Alchemist where the shop owner tells santiago about his dream of mecca and how he will not see it through. The reason been then he will not have anything to look forward to for the rest of his life, nothing to live for. But to be honest this is not my reason. Maybe it is some what, maybe Im scared of failure maybe Im scared I won't get what I want out of my dream, maybe I worry I would just end up unhappy.Last but not least I right now I just want the easy life, I feel like I voluntarily made my life harder for m self....But hey this is what I wanted from life...not what you wanted so I guess Ill just have to see it through.If anyone knows what Im feeling please leave a note!!!!
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12 comments:
Perhaps you should try something a little less morbid. Burn your stethoscope and head for the hills. You say you are a strong person, so why make it a choice of death when you can celebrate life?
Your right,even though I contemplate it I would never choose that over life...that I sort of know for sure- life should be celebrated...
I guess I just need to mix things up a bit like you said.
Thanks!
Out of all your posts, I like this the most. IMO we all need to live our lives taking time to smell the roses, and enjoying it, rather than running in the same rat race. Coz, we never know when our day will come. So, you don't need to suffer from cancer, just taking it upon your self to take some time off, and really "live" life.
BTW : Welcome to my Blogroll. :)
Awwww thank you for the add and the compliment!!!!:))
Yes I agree, I need to take time out and get out of this mundane routine and enjoy life!!!Just have to figure out how I'll make the time!
I feel this...sort of the same reasons. I feel trapped in my career and my husband doesn't want me to quit my job (I'm good at what I do but overwhelmed and I work too much). I also want to slow down....so I have been (well am) there.
It's interesting; I feel the same way. I would never commit suicide or anything but I wish I could die. It's weird though because I, like you, have a good life and there are millions of people worse off. Many might call me weak, or selfish, or ignorant, or ungrateful. And in the end I guess I have to agree. I really don't have an excuse for feeling the way I do. Which just reinforces my longing to be dead; One less weak ignorant person in the world. I'm pathetic and I just feel I don't deserve to live and I have no desire to. I'm not a failure in life; I am an epitome of mediocrity.
jasmin- hope things are looking better for you now...
ben- i don't think that makes you weak.and even if we feel this way i do still think we deserve to live.also i know exactly what you mean when you say your the epitome of
mediocrity. hope maybe things have changed.
i feel yr pain. i just googled 'i wish i had cancer' just to see if there's anything or am i the only one feeling that way and here i am reading yr post.
it did feel like reading my own thoughts.
i have a good life.
but i always expect amazing things to happen to me and sometimes they don't and sometimes i just have to let it go or be patient or whatever!
and especially the moments when i think im happy when i act in reckless manner those moments leave me so sad in the end.
and only the moments like this when i wish i had cancer brings me back to this very moment of now and i feel my feet i feel my every cell i feel alive and so close to the core and so utterly sad that even happy..
u can find me on facebook as 'lola empire'
if u wish to stay in touch.
let's enjoy the ride!
Hey Charmed,
I googled "I wish I had cancer" and stumbled upon your blog. I just turned 24 and I am at a stage where you are exactly. For the past two years, I haven't been able to feel content or happy or anything close to it. I feel like I'm just going through the motion. Sometimes I even feel like people are better off without me. It is hard to stay positive when there isn't much to stay positive about.
Hope you'll feel better.
I am very sad to read this. I want you to be happy. You have to be happy. Deserve to be. You were put on this earth for some elusive reason. Your goal should be happiness. Look in every corner for that. Surround yourself with people you like and who like you back. Do things you enjoy. Give yourself a reason to lift yourself out of bed. Please put my words like an earring in your ear. Carry them around. Keep telling yourself that you deserve happiness until what feels like a lie becomes truth.
Try losing your husband first, then your three children, then your medical career then your home. With family like mothers and sisters who instigate your loses and relish in the thought that you have lost cause they never tried at anything.Then darling you would want to kill yourself or get a disease. Trust me youve had nothing come to you yet maybe you are just a high acheiver.
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